Top 20 Signs that the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty ___________________________________________________________________ 20: Impulse engines stall when used in reverse. 19: Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88". 18: Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays. 17: Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now held up by phone book. 16: Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w". 15: Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room. 14: Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering. 13: Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward. 12: Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS. 11: Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb. 10: Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board. 9: Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears. 8: Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. 7: Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer. 6: Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters. 5: Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice. 4: Ship's dryer indiscriminantly shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed. 3: Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please with sugar on top". 2: Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains. 1: Saucer section separates whenever ship makes a left. -/Vuarnet International/- 617/527.oo91 24oo-16.8k HST/V32bis